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CaptainDangerous

Officer, without number, head turner, troll burner
Staff member
Yak Comp 3rd Place
Oct 30, 2016
4,419
14,860
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Durham, uk
With an up and coming yak blood bowl league happening in Durham soon, I would like to set up somewhere I can post games without totally contaminating the group thread!

To get things off the ground, I present to you my first game in about a decade! It is against yakman @MordianBlue and was a thoroughly enjoyable match! I think I have a lot to thank the dice for but cheers Mordian for not being too cruel! :p:)

THE STIRLAND VIRGINS vs THE LAHMIAN CRYPT KEEPERS
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FIRST HALF KICKOFF!
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The keepers kick the ball but the virgins are inspired by the chant of their fans! “ALL WE WANT TO DO IS DO IT! BIG GIRLS BIG GIRLS!”
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The virgins catchers rush the sides as their line holds fast! The keepers answer by chasing them down and sending a vampire into the gap!
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The blitzed on the line brings himself round from being hypnotised and leads the linemen in rolling up the keepers line! The energy travels and number 9 Hanz believes he has killed the opposing linesmen until the ref points out the injury rolls have changed! The virgins fans aren’t impressed! BOOOO!
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On the near side of the pitch, the virgins catcher is visciously and maliciously pushed into the crowd! He won’t be seen again until after the match when they find him unconscious in the stands!
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Spurred on by the crowd, the two keeper linesmen follow the field edge and break through the virgins defence! Beleiving they have the ball safely the virgins push the right while their catcher ‘squirmy’ shrugs off his two assaultants!
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In a fine display of showmanship Borat, the virgins captain, blitzes his opponent, scoops up the ball and makes a rush downfield!
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The keepers ignor the battle for centre field and react to the imposing threat! Borat seeing the open field gives his catchphrase “YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS, YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS!”
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Making it across the pitch, the first vampire hypnotises the centre linesman, bringing down the virgins defensive cage! The second vampire takes the advantage and rushes through to take Borat down!
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The ball drops on the outside of the line, this crowd is roaring!
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Squirmy, under no pressure attempts to pick up the ball and accidentally ficks it into the crowd! The crowd are not impressed with the virgins offence and kick the ball into open ground on the far side of the field!
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Left agast, the virgins watch as the keepers switch direction, a vampire in the perfect position to grab the ball!
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The keepers are swift to secure their position but virgin lines men 8 ‘jurgen’ is quick on his feet, the vampire narrowly missing his attack! The rest of the virgins rush back forlornly!
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Jurgen smells blood and follows up his charge, taking the vampire out of the game! But it is too little too late as one of the vampires thralls is ready to complete their masters task!
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KEEPERS 1 - VIRGINS 0

SECOND HALF
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Disgruntled fans from the virgins invade the field, torches and pitchforks held aloft, but in their frenzy (or their discontent) they take out more of their own team!
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It’s a long kick and the keepers stretch out their back line, a failed pass leaves the ball unguarded!
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While centre field regain their senses, Sqirmy goes for a quick strike and rushes past the unsuspecting keepers! One of the vampires who refused to stay of the pitch is upto his old tricks and gets behind the virgin line!
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Sqirmys ambitions are short lived and he is knocked out for his efforts! The ball is quickly recovered and thrown into virgin territory!
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Breaking away from the line of scrimmage, the vampire picks up the ball and runs directly through the waiting linesman! He takes the opportunity to wave at his fans, but trips just two yards from the line!
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The virgins recover the ball and pass it to the unmarked blitzer! It lands just short but he graciously picks it up and heads toward the end Zone!
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The keepers are all stuck in combat, but a linesman breaks away and gives chase!
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Unable to outrun her, the blitzer takes the hit and goes down along with any hopes of the virgins scoring!
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The Lahmian thrall clears the ball and the whistle for full time sounds!

LAHMIAN CRYPT KEEPERS WIN!!!
 

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HELLBRASS ORCHIDS VS ORCLAND RAIDERS
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It kick off here at danger stadium and a rather large rock gets lobbed from the crowd, bouncing off a raider blocker before landing on an orchid linesman! The ball flies through the air and lands safely in the hands of the raiders thrower.
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Blocks are exchanged and the orchid line gets pushed back!
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The orchids hold the left field as their blitzer Ned swoops round behind the raiders line!
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The raiders continue their drive and a blitzer pulls back to neutralise Ned! Ghoul-Taku takes punishment but holds his ground!
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Another orchid gets in behind the line while their defence doubles down!
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A raider blitzer puts a little too much energy into his block and takes himself out of the game!
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Making a tunnel down the far left, the raiders thrower rushes along, barely staying in the boundary!
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Orchid linesmen, azza-splat, and ghoul-Taku push back the raiders offence leaving orchid thrower biggle to swing back and gingerly push the teetering counter thrower into the crowd!
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There’s carnage in the centre field as the ball bounces back into the orchids centre back! There is a rush to secure the ball but the orchids claim ownership!
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A black orc gets through the line and manages to assist a raider blitzer in the orchids half, ghoul-Taku takes a hit but the raiders advance is fruitless!
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Biggle makes a break with the ball while the punk holds the assailants off, medmomma gets up from the ground and heads back to support!
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A raider blitzer breaks free and zips to catch biggle, azza-splat takes a knock on the left!
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Biggle continues his rush, blitzer in tow, the ball enters raider territory as the game moves to the right field! Having taken out his rival blitzer, ned pulls back to aid biggle!
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Azza-splat doesn’t take kindly to being knocked down and it appears he is winding up for his signature stomp....
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The perusing blitzer gets taken out of the game by Noodle-chewer as the orchids move up! With most his team down or tied up there is little the raiders can do to stop the whole orchid line moving up in support!
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In one swift tackle a raider reaches around and knocks bare headed biggle to the ground, the ball rolls as the crowd gasps!
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The raiders get afew hits in orchid territory, but they are overwhelmed in their own half! Goul-Taku, running the length of the pitch, nimbly scoops up the ball and runs it home!
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TOUCHDOWN ORCHIDS!........
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Pics from the last game, it was a good match but I just can’t summon the energy to write the full report.
I seem to be stuck on the free blitz turn for the vampires, how a vampire can nimbly tiptoe around my centre line and emerge untouched to walk it home! It goes abit better near the end, a vampire gets knocked out by the audience and azzasplat scores a cheeky touchdown purely by being at the right place at the right time.
The game ends with the vampires playing some Mexican blood bowl while the orchids watch in bemusement!

THE ORCHIDS VS THE CRYPT KEEPERS
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Sounds like a rough start to that game mate!

Lovely teams though. I must ask, who is mr bluork at the back? a merc, a really dedicated fan? a player who is wearing the away kit?
 
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@spafe, it could be you if you like? Tho, you would have to change your name to no.13 Spafe Grotkicker!
There are also the possititions no.9 ‘gitstompa’ or no.11 ‘facekrumpa’ if you prefer?
But he is wearing the home strip (I couldn’t afford to kit the whole team!) tho he will get a new strip eventually!
.....it’s not their old strip painted pink, honestly!

@Stoof, *coach Dangerous puts a reassuring arm over Stew threwa’s shoulders* Don’t worry about it!
It was pouring down with rain, and the ground was dead slippy and it was washing all your favorite old dirt off! It wasn’t your fault! Plus those bitey pale boys may move like poncey elf boys, but dey is just as hard as our big lads!

@oddball300, I jokingly told the other coach that he should tank his thralls up on monster energy before the match because it was the only way he could win! .......I think he took the advice!?
 
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It’s decided then! Welcome to da team!
Now do sum laps of da pitch and report to da defence coach!
We are taking on a blitzer with mighty blow next match, and when I say we I mean you Grotkicker!
 
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Last nights blood bowl action, brought to you by Hellbrass Inquisitors!
Is your boss in league with daemons? Do you have Heretics to purge?
Call Hellbrass Inquisitors for all your exorsism needs!

And Here come the teams....
THE HELLBRASS ORCHIDS VS THE BACKSTREET BRAWLERS!
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The teams face off, the pouring rain bouncing off their armour! But It hasn’t deterred the crowd and they watch as the ref blows the whistle and the brawlers new ogre ‘Bonehead’ slips and falls face first in the mud!
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The orchids new signing ‘Spafe grot kicker’ takes the advantage and jumps on the ogres back and unsuccessfully tries to choke him out! The rest of the orchids move forward, dominating the centre and ‘The Punk’ Ghoultaku leads a charge down the right field!
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The Brawlers snap into action, their thrower making a long throw into open orchid ground as the rest of the team hold the line and the catchers work their way around the flanks! ‘Varag Sump dwella’ spots the play and rushes back to cover! In the centre, Spafe Grotkicker holds on for dear life as the ogre tries to grab him! The orc squeezes his chokehold but it is a futile gesture against the monsterous player!
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A brawler catcher dashes past the orcs and picks up the ball! He is just short of the touch line when sumpdwella chases him down! The disappointed catcher dramatically dives, making a feeble attempt at trying to get the blitzer sent off the pitch but he tries a little too hard and is taken away on a stretcher! Biggle bare picks up the ball regardless and makes a dash infield, supported by the confused looking sumpdwella! (deez humans is pretendin to be hurt, wot iz da game coming to?)
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The brawlers keep the pressure on in the orcs half as the other catcher and their thrower move up! The black orc line relentlessly push forward completely unaware of what’s happening and Bonehead finally manages to throw Spafe from his shoulders!
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Coach dangerous sees an opportunity and orders the lineorcs azzaplat and stewthrower to take a hit to open the field, not really grasping the idea, they completely let their guard down and simultaneously get knocked out! But the strategy works and a gap is made, Ned Noodlechewer rushes to intercept the pass, biggle barehead lines up the throw as the brawlers coach screams at the ogre to do something ....and biggle drops the ball!
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With only seconds left in the first half, any thought of scoring is forgotten and the orchids go on the attack! But in this torrential weather no hit makes any lasting impact! An almighty (unsuccessfully) elbow drop by the Grotkicker heralds the end of the scoreless first half!
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The second half begins and the rain is still holding up! But before the whistle blows a giant in the brawlers stands throws a boulder that crushes The punk Ghoultaku and pins him underneath for the rest of the match!
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The orchids continue their centrefield blockfest, butfail to make any significant attacks! Biggle uncharacteristicly picks the ball up and receives a strong defensive wall provided by the two remaining blitzers! Nothing could stop this push, the orcs look determined and full of vigour.......
*the storm clouds suddenly become a lot darker*
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Unfortunately the weather is causing technical difficulties, and it has nothing to do with the cameraman getting too engrossed in the game to remember to take pictures........
And we are getting a signal....
Yes, it looks like a......
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TOUCHDOWN BRAWLERS!
The human team score their first touchdown of the season!
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With the clock ticking both teams feel the pressure! They line up and face down in a giant line of scrimmage!
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The orchids gain the advantage in the melee, but in their eagerness they leave gaps for the brawler specialists to breakthrough! A last ditch attempt by biggle to throw a pass to Ned is doomed from the start , I would like to blame the rain, but biggle drops the ball right at the feet of the human thrower!
Fortunately for the orcs, the rain does also effect the brawlers elite thrower and his last moment of the game is watching the ball bounch away!
Now, maybe the whistle did blow, or maybe it didn’t, but what is certain is that the blackorc Oddball 3Many claimed his first casualty of the season!

Final score:
ORCHIDS 0 BRAWLERS 1
 
Wots wiv dese ummie squishies floppin' 'bout on da ground like we've krumped em wen we 'avent even got a good krumpin in on em? Weres da fun in dat? An' de bossnob askin' me an' Azza to take a thumpin'. We woz all heckin bamboozle but we takes da thumpin real good anyway. I likes a good kumpin but iz best wen I is da one doin' it. Must be 'cos da bossnob has kunnin or summat.

An I got all wet agen. Washed sum of me favourite bloodstains off it did.
 
You had a good game Stewf you only got knocked out because the crowd boyz held your arms while da blitzer boy giv you a thumpin! And on da uvva side of da pitch azzasplat only went down because their special blitzer boy has some special knuckle dusters that givs Im a mighty blow! Dey didn’t even knock any teen out tho and you were both straight back in da game! Remember the training and repeat after me “it ..is ..nevva ..our ..fault!”

And Iv done a review of the cabalvision Ghoultaku and it appears there iz a giant that comes to every Orchid game just to throw a rock at half time! I don’t think he was aimin’ for ya it’s just iz fing! But I’ll send I’m some Orchid merch and tell im not to throw it at da pink team next time!

And just a quick summary for all you boyz readin- it was a tough game as we just couldn’t take out their players! Usually we take one or two out and it gives us a bit of room to get to their end zone, but the only players that got taken off were a self inflicted injury by a catcher and an injury (by Oddballl 3many) in the last turn of the game!
If biggle would just put a helmet on then the water wouldn’t get in his eyes as he tries to throw, but he just won’t have it!
And new signing The Grotkicker Spafe showed he is one of the boyz and took every blow an enraged ogre could give, keeping the monstrous player occupied the entire match, rightly awarding him MVP!

This next round of games is going to be tough I recon as the other teams are getting levelled up rather efficiently, but if we make it through unscathed then I predict a good many advances in the pipeline! (I think there are only 3 players with no SSPs!) with another re-roll bought and money still in the bank, we’re going to fight and we will win!
ORCHIDS! ORCHIDS! ORCHIDS!

Edit: Oddball 3Many claimed his first victim of the season
 
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There’s only azzasplat that managed to make an upgrade, but almost the whole team is scoring on the star player points!
Coincidentally there’s only you and radulyk’un that havnt done anything but look cool! The two of you are obviously the best looking players on the team and do all the PR stuff, like give interviews, sign posters (also the best x drawers), and pose for the cameras etc.

You had a good first game, Spafe me boy! You really showed that ogre how to take a beating! .....and get back up and get beaten again .....and again!
 
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