The sorry tale of Agent Orange
Please sit back and pause your typing or moving thumbs, for we are going to tell you the horrific tale of how the deadly drug Agent Orange became the scourge of the Underhive.
After reading this you may wonder why Hivers take such deadly drugs? But when life is this terrible and short who’s to say that a fifteen minute high of this magnitude isn’t the best fifteen minutes you’ll ever have? Would you care what came next when death could be so soon?
Chapter 1 - The first ingredient
Our sorry tale starts in a familiar place. The Hive Scummer ClockworkOrange is stumbling through a rusting ventilation tunnel on yet another desperate search for a Hive Archiotech score.
She reaches a sealed hatch. After much effort, kicking and swearing the hatch hits the floor with a heavy clang. The resulting echo booms through the vast space that opens up in front of Clockwork. She pushes her green hair back under her stolen battered Imperial helmet and lets out a sigh of utter disgust.
Instead of the hoped for treasure, the newly discovered dome floor stretches away in every direction, and is covered in useless red ‘shrooms! The far horizon merges with the ceiling in a red dusty fungus filled haze.
Clockwork kicks the nearest ‘shroom in disappointed anger, in defence the ‘shroom releases a cloud of red fungus dust. One breath of the dust is enough for Clockwork to collapse to the floor in a drug induced ecstasy, foaming at the mouth.
If you are worried don’t be, she’ll be ok, it turns out she is just higher than a Helmwar. So have a good laugh at her expense. However, our sorry story continues elsewhere.....
Chapter 2 - The second ingredient.
Now our Hive story turns to Arjun, a Juve in a “mighty” Cawdor gang known as the Righteous Trolls.
Arjuns blue hood is currently illuminated by the orange flash of his autopistol, his manic laugh mixed with the sound of small arms fire. Could being in a Necromunda gang get any better than this? Surely not! The yellow bellied enemy is on the run!
The Righteous Trolls have just bested the Captain Clones fair and square in a gang fight and now they are going to take their prize, the Imperial Mint mine, with barely a whimper!
Arjun pauses from shooting a Captains retreating back to look at the rusty rattling conveyor belt at his feet.
The belt is full of Imperial Mint, a yellowy white substance much prized by the Hives various drug makers to cut with other products. Arjun stoops to sample the minty powder, but he does not realise how potent raw Imperial Mint is!
THUD!
Again please don’t laugh too much as Arjun hits the deck, he’ll be ok, possibly, maybe....Arjun though has no further involvement in this tale, we must return to Clockworks side for it to continue.
Chapter 3 - The Cook
You’re now looking at a trailer, mobile home or a caravan, it’s imbedded in junk, in fact it looks like junk. Black smoke pours from the pipe in roof. The only door is armour plated, the windows are grated over.
ClockworkOrange has recovered and is banging on the door.
“Heisenberg, I’ve found something! Open up!”
A small hatch in the door slides back.
“Do one Clockwork”
The hatch slams back.
“Heisenberg! I’ve found something that gets you higher than Spook!”
We’ll leave Clockwork again here and move on a few weeks to the inside of Heisenberg’s drug lab.
Heisenberg is mixing powder from the red ‘shrooms with the yellowy white Imperial Mint. He pours the orange paste into a standard STC drug mold.
If you don’t know, STC drug molds are initialled with the letters of the alphabet, it’s seemingly unimportant now but Heisenberg picks out a tray initialled A at random and then the scene fades from view.
Chapter 4 - The first customer
The bold headed, bespectacled, black trench coat wearing dealer is standing on what counts as a street corner in the Underhive. Known as The Duke he has just seen his next victim/customer.
“Oi Dudeo, wanna buy some happy clappy Spookio?”
“Nah man, I need something new?”
“I’ve got just the thingio!” The Duke looks both ways and then opens his hipster coat with a flourish. A long strip of material falls from his top pocket, drug packets are pinned along it’s length.
“What’s this?” The passerby points at some orange tablets half way down, they are initialled with the letter A.
“Now that you cool cat is new in! From the man Heisenberg himselfio!”
“What’s it called?” The passerby known as Captain 8 asks suspiciously.
The Duke pauses, he’s honestly got no idea. He looks at the colour and the lettering.
“Agent Orange?!”
As he says this you hear a dramatic crash of music and the scene fades.
Chapter 5 - Epidemic
In the Underhive hospitals are basically where people go to die and get recycled.
In the Sump they are far far worse, we are now in a dark damp room where concrete slabs pass for beds. Wherever you are though, there’s always volunteers who try to help those worse off than themselves. Thank the God Emperor two such worthy souls work here.
In this horrible sad room the volunteers are holding down the latest victim of the final stages of Agent Orange, the victim screams as the irreversible changes are wrought on his wasted body.
The first known side effect of Agent Orange is orange hair, and whilst weird, many addicts have continued for years in this state with no ill effects.
The second side effect is rapid weight loss, so that it appears the body has shrunk. Most people considered this fairly normal in the Hive, after all many were addicted to something and it is a side effect common to most Hive drugs. Its also not like good food is that easy to come by in the first place, fat Hivers are rare.
However, our unlucky patient is at stage three of the Agent Orange addiction. This is when things get really painful and extremely weird. Faces, heads and hands start to swell up, and many lose their minds to the pain. Some are even left like zombies, the pain being to much for their poor minds to handle.
Stage four victims are functional orange haired mutants, the “lucky” ones who can still think for themselves but can remember little of their past lives.
The screaming stops, this victim seems different, there’s a look of extreme intelligence in his eyes. Maybe he’s made stage four? Is there a stage five?
The volunteers can barely hold him down, just as our imaginary camera backs off we see that his arm bears the tattoo “J.R” and that every other bed in the hospital is occupied by an orange haired patient....
Chapter 6 - The Orange Tide
Now we want you to imagine that you are leader of a gang that has just encountered the Orange Tide.
Their coming! You can’t see them but all you can hear is the thump thump of tiny feet as the masses approach.
As they get nearer you catch the occasional glimpse of orange hair, naked flesh and the rusty glint of poorly maintained weapons.
Your Heavy opens fire as the first of them break cover, he manages to take one of the orange freaks down, but more and more climb over its prone body.
From what you’ve heard you know that this is only the first wave, mindless zombies that will either run or crawl towards your men, screaming in anger, baying for their next hit. The Juve you sent to scout ahead screams as he is quickly overwhelmed and dragged down by the orange mass.
You duck as gunfire explodes on the bulkhead above you head, you try to see its source. It’s the second wave you feared, the more intelligent “lucky” survivors of Agent Orange.
Amongst the midst of the enemy you spy hulking orange haired giants carrying massive weapons, a fearful banner bearing the heads of vanquished enemies, the drug maker Heisenberg and a troll wearing a tatty cloak and corroded crown. It’s J.R Troll King!! You’ve also heard of him, his evil reputation is the latest talk of the Underhive.
You gulp back the fear induced vomit in your mouth, you look back to your men, more to check that they are still there rather than to offer any encouragement. Then you force yourself to look back at the orange haired enemy.
There is a loud stuttering bang and one of the damn orange things blasts into the air on a pillar of flame, the knackered jet pack throwing its out of control user towards the distant roof of the dome.
This distracts both you and your men long enough for one of the hoard to throw a tox bomb towards your lines. Two of your men disappear in a vile orange gas cloud. One stumbles from the cloud choking but apparently ok, but the other collapses to the ground in a pathetic heap of orange mist, for a moment one leg spasms and then it stops moving.
You tell yourself that it’s going to be ok! You can fight your way out of this! They are only drug addicts! You’ll be fine! you suck in air so that you can shout encouragement to the rest of the gang.
But the encouragement dies in your throat. Your lost Juve is alive and running back screaming towards you. He looks ok, he now has orange hair, you do a double take, he now has orange hair! You break and run!
The Orange Tide overruns your gangs position. Vile, orange evil troll things happen. It all goes black with a tint of orange.
Our story ends with a simmering bubbling cauldron, J R Troll King is liberally sprinkling Agent Orange into the orange broth, strange unidentifiable things bob on its boiling surface. As you gradually regain your wits you suddenly recognise a hand as it weakly breaks the surface, boiled flesh dripping from its bones, its yours! In the God Emperors name it’s still attached! You scream!
The Orange Tide will eat well tonight!
